Self Love is Budding

Learning that it’s okay not to have all the answers right now but you’re growing.

HOME

Defining ‘home’ has been something I wasn’t able to do most of my life though I had been steadily searching. 

I didn’t relate to many of my friends’ lives both in the United States and in China.  Building my circle, my family, my home has been one of the most difficult things I have been troubleshooting since I could form words. I feel displaced in language, in my physical characteristics, in who I am supposed to be. 

Using English as a language to communicate feels excruciating almost every day.  Honoring my love languages with my loved ones and with myself is difficult too.  For people who don’t speak English fluently or without an accent, there comes an amplified threat and fear of retaliation.  I often think about how my ma gets treated based on people’s assumptions of what they envisioned her accent would be like. 

There are words in English and Chinese that I had heard consistently and only until recently stopped triggering how I viewed myself.  

Nowadays, “Ugly” can make me hide, smile, cry, flourish, and be confident.  

One of my favorite memories include my friend and two men that came over to notify us that they thought we destroyed any hope of beauty and any success in life because of our tattoos because the conversation that came afterwards helped me develop the foundation of love for my body and another level of understanding of why I love the tattoos I have. The disconnection with my body comes and goes, but the love for my being is a steady up. 

MA

The start for me was to learn about the systems that white supremacy rooted in this nation, in our education, in our food, in our language and, internationally. 

I learned that hate and trauma was taught; I had to understand the context my ancestors, my relatives, my ma, and my love ones carry with them.  I think of how many ethnicities and cultures have been in this nation for so long and how little connection and understanding there is amongst them.  For example: there is a good amount of research that is conducted over the phone in English and Spanish, leaving Asian folk with low English language ability vulnerable and excluded from data to be utilized correctly.  

The social constructs that we were raised in taught habits rooted from deep hate even if they show or are meant as well-meaning.  Learning the history of a word, a practice, an establishment, a theory, an upbringing or even what integral component was omitted in our history books, you learn what the intentions were.  Then, I had to learn how to forgive the hurt they taught and passed onto me.  From there, I see the erasure of identities and traditions, hear the pain oppression and abuse of power holds, and feel the malnourishment and segregation people are capable of. 

I acknowledge my part in destruction, upholding white supremacist teachings, and do my best to decolonize what was taught to me.  

I genuinely get stuck thinking about how little hope I feel about community work and advocacy because the foundation of this nation is a black hole of human consumption.  What home do I have for myself and what space can I nurture to communicate needs? 

Being a child of a Chinese immigrant and single mother, I was taught not to stand out, excel in academics, be obedient towards elders and be grateful for what I have. One of my daily reminders was deep shame and guilt, constant reminders that I'm not succeeding or exceeding impossible expectations. I am not a musical prodigy, I did not go to business school, I did not pursue a career in the medical field, and I do not care to marry or become a housewife.  This means, I am a massive disappointment to those who uphold the standards placed on Chinese femmes.  

The big connection my Ma and I maintained to our roots has been through the arts, and the way we communicate with food. There’s nothing like shopping for the ingredients to cook your cultural dishes.

FOOD

Not only is food nourishment, it’s a love language, a tradition, and a universal communication language tool.

Since there is a cultural gap between my ma it tends to get difficult communicating how we feel about the world around us - working with food helps. Seeing her slowly interact with growing and cooking has been an honor and humbling experience.  

Until a few years ago, I didn’t understand the deep impact that farming had on my ma. She wasn’t introduced to farming through a nurturing lens.  As my ma lived through the Cultural Revolution in China, being introduced to farming was not through a nurturing lens. Farming was traumatic for her, it wasn’t a choice for her, she still carries trauma and triggers that she’s unable to unpack still to this day.  From connecting herbs and crops that cross cultures to just re-discovering recipes our relatives and ancestors used, my connection with my ma wouldn’t be where it is now without the journey of naming our diaspora in food.  My ma is an incredibly fierce parent and I am truly thankful to have been raised by her.

It’s wild how simply feeling comfortable, to be and to do you, can free and heal so much. 

BODY

The space I’ve started to make for my healing has been my own body.  The toughest challenges are dealing with physical pain and body dysphoria.  I am starting to work with my pain, listening to sounds my body makes, honoring the limitations and pushing through pain to ensure longevity.  Learning about pressure points and how I can alleviate stress and pain with medicine making means I need to love myself enough to want to. 

Discovering my beauty and worth without erasing myself to uphold the standards that’s blasting on loop everyday of my life has been a tricky journey.  There are times I’ll catch my reflection, and I think how I wish there was someone who looked like me, spoke like me to challenge and encourage me when I was young.  

It took a minute for me to realize that like physical shelter, ‘homes’ need maintenance too.  When I discovered that I don’t [check in] with myself, I realized that I’ve been repressing deeply and triggers would show up in actions that have historically been comforting.  It takes a vast amount of time and effort for me to change a bad habit, but having a community and a core circle of people who love differently has taught me how to love myself in all my identities and celebrate my accomplishments. It’s wild how simply feeling comfortable, to be and to do you, can free and heal so much.

having a community and a core circle of people who love differently has taught me how to love myself in all my identities and celebrate my accomplishments.

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Interview